How To Save A Nation From Itself…
1. Aboard the yacht “Fat Cat”, after dinner on a balmy summer evening off the coast of the Italian Riviera, summer 2013…
“I say, gather round chaps”, says Piers (Porky) Gaveston to his chums as the sun starts to set over the distant island. “We’ve got a bit of problem as we know” (the Eurosceptic wing of the party is gathering momentum and Farago’s UKIP is in danger of adding mass), “but I think I might have got a solution. Now David, George, Michael, listen carefully because this concerns you…”
The scheme is unveiled. Put the promise of an EU referendum in the new manifesto. Michael to plant himself firmly in the Brexit camp – Judas in waiting. Force the issue into the open by, allegedly, engaging the nation in their once-in-a-lifetime decision. The Machiavellian scope of Porky’s twisted scheme becomes clearer as each potential outcome is explored in detail. “Remain” is fine, that’s the ‘sceptics dealt with and back in line. Accept the will of the people and all that. But it’s the “Leave” option that is so delicious – screwed from the moment anyone takes the helm, with their trusty lieutenant (“I’ve no ambition to be PM myself”) as their right hand man until just hours before the deadline for the new Leadership challenge when his “shock” decision to stand annihilates the Brexit champion – whoever he/she turns out to be. Savage any other Brexit favouring contenders – there’s a long list of helpful journalists who could do the required hatchet job, not to mention their proprietors keen to curry favour with the new regime. No-one knows who’ll be on the ballot paper of course, but that Graham – he’s a steady pair of hands and on message, he’ll see to it that the right outcome is reached. And then, the masterly bluff that this would all take weeks is set aside and the new leader (who just happens to be a “Remain” die hard despite his/her below the parapet performance) is neatly installed at No10.
So “Brexit means Brexit”. Yes, repeat ad nauseam to the assembled media keen to try and suggest that this does not have wings. But do NOT trigger Article 50. No, better wait until we have heads of agreement on what the real deal will be. Juncker & Co. are in on this of course, and move from extremist posturing (“Britain must not get a good deal or others will follow”) to their real master craft, tying up even the pre-negotiations in seemingly endless detail and loops. Lots of track record here, they can’t even negotiate a trade deal with the world’s largest economy in under ten years!
2. In the garden of Chequers, summer 2018…
“Now we’ve got a decision to make”, says Saint Theresa the Unifier, to her loyal band of core confidantes. “I reckon we’re at the point where we can safely present this as a total shambles and disasterous for UK plc.” Yes, it’s time for the second referendum. Sir Richard the Virgin (for it is he) nods wisely… “Just as you said even before your ascension. I might have doubted you back then, but it’s all worked out exactly as you outlined.” – Yes, sterling has remained way off its pre-referendum dollar level, investment has slumped, financial services have moved to Frankfurt and Paris, much of “Project Fear” has been shown to be correct (given some quiet steering behind the scenes from Messrs Carney and those business leaders eager for titular reward).
“Enough of this pain, the electorate have got the message now. I’ll announce the new referendum in The House next week. Time to stop the rot before we do lasting damage.”
3. Late in 2026…
The long awaited (7yrs indeed) report by Sir John Procrastinate has finally been published. Commissioned by the new Social Democratic Party PM as (s)he swept into office after St. Theresa’s resignation was forced by the outcome of the second vote and the collapse of the Tory government, his verdict has been eagerly awaited.
- Was Parliament deliberately misled?
- Who conceived and sexed up “Project Fear”?
- Was there a proper plan for after the referendum?
Dave and George are in the USA promoting their new blockbuster movie “The Bully Boys” and are unavailable for comment.
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